someone owes me an orgasm
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
as a side note pls kill me