Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
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my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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