I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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