Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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