its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
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the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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