I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize