i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
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...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive