dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.