Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"