I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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