I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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