god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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