He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
