hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
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It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
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There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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