it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
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We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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