Someone shit on the floor
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
