Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
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I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
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