I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
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McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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