Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
