Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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