so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
