I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
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I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
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My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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