Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
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She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
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