I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
