think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve