While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.