i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
