Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just wanna be euthanized