i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
