by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
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Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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