glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
