Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
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