Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
