pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
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You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
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And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY