I feel like abortions should bother me more
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
