Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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