The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
