3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
