dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.