I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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