Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
