Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
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He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
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I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!