I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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