i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
