Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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