Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.