I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent