Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.