there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.