"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.