is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
