If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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