I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
only you would photoshop your dick
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
